You know how if something big happens in your life and it is close to another occasion or a certain month that the event will be ever linked to that time frame? That definitely happened when I was first diagnosed with my breast cancer. It unfortunately altered my memories of what should have been an important celebration into a bittersweet day.
May and June will always be difficult months for me. They are slowing getting better but will always link these two important events. Four years ago, my first-born graduated from high school. It was also the day I found out I had breast cancer. It was one of the hardest days I ever had. I was excited to celebrate her graduation but yet beside myself with fear and sorrow with my diagnosis. I had to push those feelings aside and put on a brave face for Emily. I didn’t want to minimize her day. The few tears I cried briefly at
her graduation were filled both with pride and sadness. I couldn’t help but think, “Will I be around to see Eric graduation four years from now?”, “Will I get to see Emily graduate from college and see her organize her first classroom?” My mind was rapidly going in many directions. I managed to pull it together enough to get some good pictures after the ceremony with her. I took pictures of her with her best friend and talked to her mother and no one was the wiser to my struggle. Motherly determination is an incredible force. I was not going to let my cancer ruin her accomplishment that was twelve years in the making. It was my best performance to date…I could have won an Oscar that evening! LOL
That summer I had a lumpectomy then a double mastectomy but managed to at least go along to get Emily moved into Shippensburg for her freshman year before starting chemotherapy. I missed out on a lot that summer and the coming months there were times that I couldn’t even make it past that day no less look into the future. No, looking back, I guess it was good that Emily was away at college. She did come home over the weekends (to see her boyfriend mostly!) but she really didn’t see me at my worse. I think her way of dealing with my cancer was a hands-off approach; at least that’s what I hope explains some of her actions during my treatments. She was wrapped in her new world. It was my poor husband and son that bore the brunt of my illness.
Fast forward four years, and it did go fast. That’s good but not good. Good that I am four years NED but bad that time is flying and when you are a cancer survivor your future is so uncertain and I hate to wish it away. Anyway, May and June in 2019 has been awesome. Emily graduated from Shippensburg mid-May with Summa Cum Laude
honors. Eric graduated the end of the month from high school and is looking forward to going to a two-year tech school for HVAC (heating, ventilation, and air conditioning). We
are planning Emily and Matt’s wedding for June next year. Life is good right now and I value every minute of it. In fact, we left the day after graduation for a week-long camping adventure and the actual date of my diagnosis, June 2, passed and I didn’t even realize it! I never thought that would be possible. Now I just pray to be around to see my two “children” get married. I’m cautiously optimistic and that’s all I can be.
So, for those of you reading this that are just starting treatment, just found out you have breast cancer, or maybe just finished treatment, just know that it is possible for it to get better. Everyone’s cancer is different. I know there are plenty of women who didn’t survive their battle. I wish I could promise each and every one of you that everything will be ok but unfortunately, I can’t. It’s not fair. No one deserves this life sentence. All we can do is support each other.
There’s no book with rules of how to manage your life during/after cancer so nothing you do will be wrong. I’m determined to take each day and make it a good one. Some days the only good thing may be the lunch I’m looking forward to reheating because it was so tasty the night before, or just getting off work and laying down on the couch, or there will be days that I just need a hug or good cry. And that’s ok. I’m making it up as I go.
But, one thing I do know is that cancer has made me much more grateful for the little things; every laugh, every hug, every “I love you”, each celebration, even how blue the sky is after storm, how wonderful nature and animals are. I look at everything in a different light now. Enjoy all the moments you get, because the next one is never guaranteed.
Hugs!
